My Own Egg-norance
I arrived home after a rejuvenating weekend in the luscious redwood covered Santa Cruz mountains to find a pigeon resting in my jasmine plant on the balcony outside my apartment. She had laid two sweet little eggs and was tending to her future babies.
Awwww I thought, she found the right place to lay her eggs. I am going to give her the best home possible for her stay. My first thought was to provide her with food so she will be nourished and won’t have to leave her babies. Immediately, I hopped on the internet and googled “what do pigeons eat?” Got it. I chopped up some fruit and placed it outside as an offering.
Weeelllll…that didn’t quite go as I expected it would. The poor mama pigeon, startled by the foreign plate of food, didn’t know what to do. Eying the plate she carefully tried to plot her way back to the jasmine plant. She walked the edges of the balcony and then she flew away. My heart dropped. Did I just compromise her babies well being? Luckily she came back to walk the exterior of the floor. After a good 15 nerve racking minutes she found her way back to her eggs.
My good hearted intentions had created hardship for her. I felt awful to have disturbed her and made her so anxious. It made me think about how this happens in different contexts. Like the time I gave an “accidental” nudge that made my friend bump into a man she found attractive. I didn’t realize that she would have preferred to have him approach her. This sort of well intentioned misunderstanding happens in the context of relationships, work and even in philanthropy. We think we know what would be good for someone, but fail to take into consideration that we are viewing their needs through our lens.
There are two key elements I have identified to help cure my ignorance or in this case egg-norance:
- Communication — clearly you can’t verbally communicate with a pigeon, but you can communicate through cues. Communication can come in many forms. In the case of human relationships and philanthropy first, see if they even want your help then listen to them. What are they really in need of? It is rare that people take the time to be present to hear where the other person is coming from without judging them or inserting their own thoughts on the situation. In the context of business and social ventures, listen to your customer. Don’t assume you know what they want. Customer centered product development and UX is the best way to be successful with your business.
- Trusting in nature and the process — maybe we don’t always need to step in and help. In the case of my feathered friend, I inserted myself where I was not needed. My friend was perfectly fine without me. In fact, I was more of a hindrance than helpful resource. With humans, there are times when not helping and allowing them to go through their hardship is the best gift you can give them. It is possible for you to be there for someone without having to do anything. We all have our journeys that contribute to our evolution. The hard times can push us into expedited growth. It is a delicate balance to know when to assist and when to trust in the natural process.
There is something beautiful about caring for each other and caring for our feathered friends. And for those on the other side of caring gone wrong, remember- the intention was good. We stepped in because your wellbeing matters to us. We won’t always get it right. But wouldn’t you rather that we try to do something good than not care at all?
For my helpers, try to be more conscious about when you assert yourself into a situation. There are times your help is needed and appreciated and times it is best to lay back. The more aware you are of another’s disposition and the more you can be aware of your own motivation the better. I was excited to be part of the preciousness of life being birthed on my deck and my actions were self pleasing. It was thoughtful selfishness. One thing we helpers can do is stop for a moment and ask ourselves, have I merged their needs with mine or am I unbiasedly considering the other person?
